The Rain Keeps Falling

It’s been raining a long time, but for the sake of this latest bleeding heart entry, it’s been 30 days.  It was raining when my partner in crime threw me out.  I had no umbrella that night, so it rained literally and figuratively on my world.  The only thing I understand is that my fear of this day became a reality.  Fear followed me with every mistake, argument, late arrival, forgotten event, holiday, celebration, or purchased item.  My fears came true.  A self-full-filling prophecy.   My friend discarded me.  The difference between the past and today is I  realize I have to walk alone and move forward.  So let me be honest, the fear of not having the family I dreamed of has been plaguing me since 1989.  When my false sense of security and protection shattered, I clung to whatever was close to me to not drown.  My siblings, my friends, books, the honor roll etc.  Whatever I could cling to and throw myself on, I did.  So much until I choked the life out of everything I touched.  I am just realizing that I have to walk this journey alone.  I may have company at times, but I am not entitled to a friend, a companion, or even a dog to walk with me on this journey.  The fear of the darkness has gripped me like a boa constrictor around my neck and my heart.  I can’t make excuses anymore for what I didn’t get.  And up until last month, I believed I had been saved from being alone.  I had finally found the safety and support I craved.  The thing is, I knew that was a lie.  I knew it was what I told myself, but the truth is, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.  I had  “defect” stamped on my forehead.  I was the green duckling that never fit in.  Anywhere.  I felt like an impostor who held this image up to the world in hopes that they’d say, “She’s normal, she’s just like us”.  The truth is, I’ve never been, I am not, and I’ll never be NORMAL.  There is a hardness with my walk, and a vacant look in my stare.  Those are defense mechanisms to ward off danger.   I am actually very soft and my eyes are my mood ring.  I am rough with my hands because I am heavy handed.  I never felt I had pretty feminine hands, so I attacked the world in other ways.  I find it hard to trust, and I am always worried someone is going to try to hurt me if I don’t keep up my defenses.  I’ve been unforgiving, hypocritical, and entitled.  So now, here I am again…alone.  The place I sold my soul not to be.  Alone.  The only difference this time is I feel relieved.  I felt like my life was a jar teetering on a high unstable shelf, and it came crashing down on the floor last month.  I was running to catch something and I just stopped.  I let what I was chasing go off into the distance.  I just stopped.  After standing in the rain, I picked up my bag and began walking in another direction.  And for the first time in years, I slept for 7 hours straight.  I don’t have to prove myself anymore.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds, and that is good because from what I know, that’s God’s job anyway.  Being alone is scary and it is sad.  But being alone means I get to explore my own interests without the self-doubt eating away at my stomach lining.  I can feel my blood pressure going down because I won’t have to bow my head in regret and failure another day.  I don’t have to keep checking my phone in fear and sadness because someone didn’t call back or call at all.  I don’t have to feel bad because I didn’t call to show that I care because I fear that if I don’t, you’ll say I didn’t care.  All I have to do is just be.  I’ve ran for years for the illusion of belonging.  I’m so tired.  There is a pattern emerging, and I believe it’s because I’ve held on too tight out of fear of abandonment.  Fear that the end was near.  Well I’ve seen the end, and shortly afterwards, a new day emerged anyway.  My successes and failures don’t stop the sun from shining.  My broken heart doesn’t deter the rain.  But I do know I feel relief.  I’ve spent my entire life trying to be the type of person worthy of love and adoration through my accomplishments.  Being “good enough”.  That was a fool’s errand.  What happens when I just do what’s best for me?  What happens when I disappoint others and they walk way?  The sun comes up and the rain continues to fall.  I wonder what it will feel like to get 8 hours of sleep for a year?  Let’s take it one day at a time.  I’ve been searching for rest and peace for my entire life.  I have no idea if I am on the right path, but I know I’m not chasing an illusion anymore.  I am who I am at this moment in time.  I am not my past.

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