Putting Me First

I have reached a fork in the road.  One where I could continue on the road I am on, or take the other road and follow my dreams.  My dreams seem impossible.  They seem far and damn near impossible.  When I close my eyes to go to sleep, I can feel my dreams come alive as real as wind on my face.  When I drift off to sleep, I am having conversations with family and friends, living in a house I’ve never seen before, wearing pretty clothes, and laughing out loud.  In my dreams,   I can taste the food, and feel kisses on my lips.  My silent hopes come to me in my dreams at night.  For a little while, I get to live the life I dream of.  My family is getting along and my friends are by my side.   We are laughing until the sun begins to rise through my blinds.   My dreams vanish, and I am back in reality.  My stomach sinks.  Last week, my friend told me I have a wild imagination.  She said that the things I believe are not based on reality.  I have no evidence to back up my theories, and I waste energy on what doesn’t exist.  It hurt my feelings.  I do have a wild imagination, but I also have discernment.   After making many mistakes over the years, and making decisions that didn’t have my best interest at heart, I have injured my spirit.  I stopped believing in myself.  When my heart whispered to me what I needed, I ignored it.  This became very evident to me when I put someone’s feelings above my own real pain.  Ignoring me had become a default, and I was getting sick of myself.  I was upset that others didn’t see that I needed them, when the truth is I didn’t show up for myself.  I disregarded my own pain for the sake of appeasing or avoiding conflict.  I’ve done this a lot in my life.    Either I’d have a knee jerk reaction to pain, or I would shut down.  Neither of these behaviors has yielded me much success in my life as it relates to relationships.  I loved others, but forgot to love myself.  The lack of love I have for myself caught up to me.  I realize it is up to me, and I’m not just giving lip service.  I’m sad, disappointed, but hope has returned to my heart.  I daydreamed today, and saw glimpses of my dreams.  I pray to God that my dreams are moving from the shadows and into daylight.  I wonder what loving myself looks like.  I lived my whole life concentrating on how what was going on outside affected my insides.  I spent time pointing fingers or demanding love I didn’t give myself.  This is a gory confession, but it’s real.  I want to take the other fork in the road.  I want to walk alone with God on this journey.  I may have company, but I am not going to demand it anymore.  If I am granted a friend as I walk down this road, I’ll thank God.  If my friend needs to go on a different journey, I’ll thank God until I see them again.  I’ll be okay.   I fought tooth and nail because this road scares me, but I want to follow my dreams.  I have to take the road less traveled.  I don’t want to just get happy off of a bible verse.  I am living in peace and I am living in love.  I am struggling with this new walk, but I have to forgive myself because I’m learning to love me.  This dream is now a reality.

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